of sanity & such
by whizz
Summary: Because 'losing' has so many definitions. L/Light


**anime/manga; **Death Note**  
pairing; **L/Light**  
warnings; **hints of shonen-ai & yaoi, but without any actual action, maaaybe a curse or two, character death.**  
disclaimer; **I do not own Death Note or its characters. Too bad, huh?**  
summary; **Because 'losing' has so many definitions.

&**&**&

_Definition of __lose__; fail to keep or to maintain, cease to have - either physically or in an abstract sense._

"Watari, is there a possibility that you have perhaps came across my Buche de Noel?"

"No, Ryuzaki, unfortunately I have not seen your cake. But I can send some up to you if you like."

The detective shrugged indifferently, not once tearing his gaze off the computer screen in front of him.

"No, that's quite all right. I still have that soufflé from yesterday. And the strawberry shortcake. And the M&M's.."

"So", the older man interrupted politely, a smile tugging at his lips. "Did you need me to do anything else for you?"

"No, not really. I have already gathered all the necessary information about the families that were being investigated by Mr. Raye Penber, who unfortunately suffered a heart-attack and died as one of Kira's victims. Now, all we have to do is install the surveillance cameras and the wire tapes in both household's and.."

L trailed off, nibbling on his thumb as he paused dramatically while obviously thinking about something.

"Yes, I believe that's it - so my answer's no, Watari. At this moment there is nothing more you can do for me - except telling me if you happen to find my cake. I must've misplaced it; I'm sure I had it a minute ago.."

"Ryuzaki, I told you that I could order you another cake if you wish for me to do so. But answer my question first if you please; do you really think that Kira might be one of the family members?"

"Well", the dark-haired detective drawled, pulling his knees to his chest but still not turning around to meet the other's gaze, "There's a chance of roughly five percents.. But until it's a total of zero percents, I find it necessary to go through with this process."

"Of course", Watari nodded before gathering some of the candy-wrappers L had carelessly thrown around.  
The only sound in the room was the merciless_ click click click _as L jammed his bitten fingernails onto the keyboard. And then, the motion ceased (and he _finally _abandoned his computer to look at the older man).

"I was going to get that", he said in the monotone voice he seemed to possess.

"Of course", Watari repeated, though his ministrations didn't stop as he moved across the room and cleaned up the worst of it. He reassured the younger one with a smile before stepping out of the room and closing the door.

"Just give me a call if you need me." And with that he was gone.

L found himself thinking about the older man in a way similar to how you would look at a doting mother-hen, but quickly focused his thoughts on more important things - such as the Kira case. His smokey eyes unconsciously traveled along the desk in front of him and the cup of coffee placed next to his keyboard.

And there, on top of a pile of papers, was a list of the family members' names - one half held all the information about the Yagami family, and the other about the Kitamura family.

Running his gaze along the neat letters, he couldn't help but admit that one name definitely caught his interest.

_Yagami Light  
Day of birth: 28 February  
Star sign: Pisces  
Blood type: A  
Height: 179 cm  
Weight: 54 kg  
Occupation: First-year student at To-Oh university_

Maybe it was nothing-

(and maybe it was _everything-_)

-but all the praise from chief Yagami had somehow managed to nest itself into L's brain. Was this boy really as intelligent and bright and analytic as his rumors claimed? Well, maybe it was nothing, but L would be lying if he said that he wasn't even the slightest bit interested in said Yagami Light-

(_approximately 4.56 percent interested, _he acknowledged)

-be it for personal reasons or for the purpose of the case.

However, right at this very moment, there were more important matters.

Like where the hell his Buche de Noel had went missing.

&**&**&

_Definition of __lose__; incapable of being recovered or regained._

It was only for one single fateful moment, in the middle of a crowded class room. There was a sea of people; serious-looking, concentrated, and udneniably nervous people-

(_but the description didn't suit at least __**two**__ of all those people.._)

_**-**_and yet, despite the fact that probably more than half of the classroom had dark hair and pale skin, there was one specific version that caught Light's eye.

That, that wasn't just pale skin; it was delicate and smooth, flawless in every way.

(It was almost on the edge of being sickly pale - an _unhealthy _shade, but captivating and enthralling all the same).

And those, those weren't just black eyes - they were _pitch _black, not a trace of colors shifting anywhere - hypnotic and magnetic and _oh_.

(The deep bags that showed definite signs of insomnia sure looked strange, but it only added to the mysterious aura those eyes seemed to possess).

Their eyes met - caramel versus coal - and for one brief moment, the world came crashing down all around them but neither seemed to notice (or care, for that matter) because all that was left was this (intense mind-blowing overwhelming) _something _that made Light's head spin and his mind reel and his heart go _thump thump thump._

It was an incomprehensible feeling that both of them seemed to be aware of - or so Light assumed - for the other was staring just as intently as himself.

And then, the stranger's monochrome orbs were adverted; just like that, the magic spell disappeared as if it was never there, and the clock's minute hand slowly began ticking time away.

(_His time, Kira's time - or perhaps even this stranger's time; who knew for sure anymore?_)

Light still felt the strange surge in the pit of his stomach, his skin itching and his heart downright refusing to calm down.

It was only for one single fateful moment that he let his guard down (momentarily, of course) and met the other's ferverent gaze that seemed to spin his ground in one too many ways. But that single fateful moment turned out to be the first step towards something much greater - something with a grandness unheard of.

Maybe it was that very first day that Light got a bittersweet taste of what it was like to want something so badly it almost teared you apart from within. All he knew was that he longed for the other's midnight-colored eyes to pierce his soul yet again, to tear down his facade and stare him down with all of the rawness his gaze possessed. To just _look _at him like that, forever, because the electricity that sparked-

(heavy in the air, so sharp he felt it everywhere; pricking his skin and turning his blood to ice and-)

-it was something he most definitely wouldn't mind living and breathing for.

Yes, maybe it was that very first day that the detective's spidery frame caught his interest and touched him deep inside; because he would never recover from actually allowing his strictly built walls to collapse without even being asked to.

&**&**&

_Definition of __lose__; miss from one's possessions, lose sight of.  
_  
"Could you please tell me one more time why these _handcuffs _are so extremely important in this investigation, Ryuzaki?"

"Certainly, Light-kun. Though I've explained it to you at least three times before, I do not mind repeating it. The cuffs are essential because I absolutely have to stay close to you every hour of the day so that I can observe you - that will help me decide how high the possibilities are of you being Kira. It also lets me control your daily routines, which means that if you do something out of the ordinary or repeatedly and more people are killed, I will have the evidence I need to arrest you as Kira - which, by the way, I believe you are."

The other boy flushed out of anger-

(L guessed that it was due to the fact that he was _Yagami Light _and people just didn't address him in such a manner-)

-but, polite as ever, remained controlled.

"Well, can't you just _stay close _then, or whatever? Do you find it necessary to actually _handcuff yourself _to me?"

L watched him with a blank expression, seemingly re-thinking his decision before blinking-

(and by that reassuring the other that he was still on this side of universe-)

-and then firmly answering with a tone that spoke of finality.

"I find it to be basically the same thing since we still would be spending all of our time together."

"But why can't we just go with my suggestion then - if it's _the same thing_?" Light groaned, frustrated.

"Who knows what you might do if I let you out of my sight even for a second. It's a risk I do not wish to take, and I apologize for the circumstances, but Light-kun, try to understand and make this go as smooth as possible."

"Fine, Ryuzaki, I get it. I was just being stubborn. Sorry", the boy mumbled, a hint of irritation still obvious in his tone.

"Not at all, Light-kun. I understand your discomfort and I'm sure it isn't easy, but it's necessary."

And with that, L turned and payed him no more attention, already settling back against the chair and scrolling down numerous of pages, trying to find hints or facts or _anything _that might be helpful, bony fingers occasionally shifting from the mouse to the big bowl of wrapped caramels.

If the boy next to him was still sending him dirty glares, the detective didn't notice - or simply ignored him. The auburn-haired youth muttered something barely audible under his breath, apparently irritated still.

"Yes", L drawled after what seemed like an eternity of being lost in his own little world that contained numbers and gear-wheels spinning at a dangerous speed. "I wouldn't want to lose sight of Light-kun, after all."

When L was met with nothing but silence - and a gaze that basically said_ what the hell? - _he allowed the corners of his mouth to twitch upwards just slightly.

"The cuffs", he indicated, before shaking the chain a little with a stir of the hand. "Obviously", he added playfully.

Light actually seemed shocked by the fact that the lean detective was _teasing _him, or so L guessed, from the look in his eyes.

"Obviously", the younger echoed before he too turned around to face his computer, eyes downcast. L watched him with an unreadable expression-

(thinking, searching, counting percentages and-)

-and eventually, dismissed the thoughts cutting him like daggers and just refusing to leave him alone.

&**&**&__

Definition of _lose__; to throw away, to waste._

"Why don't you just take that paper bin right next to you and hit him in the head? C'mon, I know you want to!" An amused voice rumbled.

Light found himself counting to ten, trying to calm his nerves down - the grotesque Shinigami standing on his head and watching the teen with large and unnatural fish-like eyes wasn't helping at all.

The fact that Light was not allowed to directly answer Ryuk was also a problem. Because, after all, about three feet away from him sat the thin detective that suspected him of being an insane mass murderer. Light somehow got the feeling that talking to a leather-clad monster, especially when L couldn't see said monster, wouldn't exactly lower his suspicions.

"It would be _so easy. _He wouldn't even have the time to react! Just do it - if nothing else, it'd make him unconscious long enough so that you can buy me some apples."

Light rolled his eyes-

(of course he checked that the dark-haired male didn't have his midnight gaze fixed upon him)

-and hoped that the Shinigami would get the hint. But Ryuk just continued to pester him with witty remarks before howling in laughter.

"Excuse me, Light-kun, could you come take a look at this?" L's dull voice spoke. Light immediately rose from his chair and calmly walked to the other's side, forced to lean down quite a bit to check out whatever the detective had found.

"Hey, and you know what? The paper bin is made out of metal, obviously. If you know exactly where to aim - of course _I _do, not that I would tell you - he'd be dead in a heartbeat. A quiet, painless death. Wouldn't that be nice? Saves you the trouble of finding his name, too", Ryuk chuckled.

"Ryuzaki", Light suddenly spoke, cutting the older man off in the middle of his ramble about some new (probably worthless) information. "If you had the chance, would you.. kill Kira?"

The temperature seemed to drop a few degrees, and the air suddenly got loaded with-

(tension; needles pricking his skin, burning and aching and _please break the silence already-_)

-something not very different from their first encounter. L brought one of his slim fingers up to his lips, considering the possibilities.

"No, I don't think so. Of course, I would take the circumstances in consideration and do what was most fitting for the situation - if he openly attacked me and I had the chance to get to him first, I would most definitely try to.. harm him."

"You mean like self-defence?"

"Something like that. But I can assure you that I will not rest until I've caught Kira and see him locked behind bars so that he can get the punishment he truly deserves."

"So you don't think that Kira deserves to die?", Light pressed on, something crimson flickering in his honey-colored orbs.

L shook his head silently.

"I admit that I have not thought it over properly. The punishment usually isn't my.. area, so to say. Ordinarily I simply catch the culprit and then the police and the law deal with the penalty. Of course I have some say in it, but.."

Light watched him with hard eyes, refusing to let that color-drained gaze slip away. Ryuk, for once, merely shut up and watched the scene displaying in front of him.

"May I ask what brought all this on, Light-kun?"

"Curiosity, I guess", the teen mumbled while shaking his head lightly.

"Then, may I ask Light-kun a question - out of pure curiosity, of course."

"Of course", Light repeated sarcastically. "Nothing is out of pure curiosity when it comes to you, Ryuzaki. You always ask questions so that you can find out more about me and take that in consideration when you count the percentages of me being Kira."

"Light-kun certainly sees right through me", the older one nodded, almost delighted. "So may I ask the question?"

He was met with a pair of rolling caramel eyes.

"Yes", came the answer.

"Would Light-kun kill Kira if he got the chance?" L asked without missing a beat, his dark gaze suddenly fixed intently on the other's face; obviously trying to read his expression and observe his reaction, just waiting for that crack in the proud wall-

(_But he won't fail, he'll never fail - he's Kira and his plan is flawless-_)

"Absolutely", the teen answered seriousuly. Silence followed, eyes connecting and the electricity shooting up all around them-

(_just begging to be released, begging for Light to take that one step that would put them too close for comfort, begging for him to trail his hand up the other's skinny arm, to meet those lips - probably as cold as his skin - with his own-_)

"That is certainly interesting", L decided, a small smile suddenly making its presence known. "Would you care to elaborate?"

And inwardly, Light smirked.

"He's an unmerciful mass murderer who has killed so many people - of course he deserves to die himself."

"I thought Light-kun was saying that since Kira only killed thieves and rapist and such, it made his crimes a little more.. soothing?"

"It's still crimes though", Light reasoned. "An eye for an eye - isn't that what they say? You see, if I'd be the one to decide Kira's punishment, I wouldn't make his death painless or quiet at all-"

(_mad laughter, bell's ringing, stopstopstop please don't stop-_)

Here, Light paused to give Ryuk a meaningful glance, before letting his lips twitch into a cold smile.

"I'd make him suffer to no end - and then, when he was completely broken down, I'd tear him apart."

And Ryuk laughed so loud it echoed off the four solid walls surrounding them.

&**&**&

_Definition of __lose__; suffer the loss of a person through death or removal.  
_  
"It can't be", L's cracked voice whispered fiercely.

"All data erased? What does that mean?" Light asked, frowning at the big letters written across the computer screen.

"I instructed Watari to delete all of the information he knew of if.. _something _were to happen to him", the older one choked out. "Which means.."

(_No, no, no! Not Watari - not Mr. Wammy, he.._)  
"Kira", L hissed. "How? How did he.. It can't.."

(_It can't be. He's gone. It can't be._

But it can, it can, it is-

_Where did he get the name from? How..?_)

"We need to think fast", L murmured furiously. "If something happened to Mr. Wammy it means that no one is safe any longer", he stressed, not even realizing that he had said the name in English. "We may very well be next. Therefore, I ask you all to-"

(-to what? To be careful? Like it even mattered anymore. Like anything really mattered anymore. Sure, the old man hadn't been his real father, and sure, he'd raised him only so that he would become the genius the world needed at the time, but still-)

"Watari is the closest thing to a father-figure I've ever had", L remembered telling Light after being asked about it during one of their nights spent together, when the younger one couldn't sleep because of L's constant typing in bed.

And it was happening painfully slow, but way too fast-

(_Thump. Thump. Thump._

"Mr. Wammy, why is the sky blue?" his young voice that screamed i-haven't-hit-puberty-yet asked innocently.  
_  
Thump. Thump. Thump.  
_  
"Because, Lawliet, you are L", the older man answered firmly.

_Thump. Thump. Thump.  
_  
And that was all it took to turn his once-upon-a-time-polychrome world into different shades of grey.)

Nothing more. Nothing left. Nothing but his numb personality and his percentages and-

(_Was I always like this? Was I always L? Did my personality fade away in order to make room for the mastermind of L? Did __I__ ever matter? Did I.. __**die**__ in order to become L?_

"You're interesting, Ryuzaki", the voice that was covered in sugary sweetness but still managed to remind L of death had once said. "You're probably the most interesting person I've ever met", Light had chuckled gently.

_With him I'm not like that. So maybe I wasn't always like this. Like now. Like.._)

When will you realize it's too late?

Before L even managed to understand it himself, it was already happening. His heart clenched painfully, sucking the air right out of his lungs.  
And he tumbled to the floor.

&**&**&

_Definition of __lose__; to part with unintentionally or unwillingly - as by accident, misfortune, negligence and so on._

Even though the chain was gone from his wrist, the memories were still achingly clear. Light could no longer find any traces-

(any _proof_)

-that he had once been chained to the world's greatest detective-

("_Three times over, Light-kun, three times over_", that all too familiar voice rang in his ears)

-but, the angry red mark from the cuff he had been wearing was still fresh. The skin was a bit irritated and it had sunken in, following the exact shape of the cuff as it had went around his wrist. It would disappear with time, Light told himself.

(But some things wouldn't).

And when he was twisting and turning late at night in bed, unable to sleep-

(even now when there wasn't any pesky brightness jabbing into his eyes or the annoying _click click click_-s of spidery fingers, or the knowledge that if he opened his eyes, he'd most definitely see a scrawny detective flooding his vision mere inches from him, with his shadowy eyes boring right into his very _soul_-)

-he almost found himself missing all those disturbing noises the older man would make - not that it made any sense. And, alone in the big bed with smooth, satin-clad sheets-

(where he used to rest next to the person he'd grown attached to - willingly or not)

-Light found it to be very lonely.

Very, very lonely indeed.

But as if those solid, almost intimidating walls surrounding him and the now-empty space next to him where the bed was neatly made, blankets folded and all, making him feel strangely empty wasn't enough-

(never; never was enough, never will be enough)

-the almost haunting laughter Light thought he heard as soon as he dared to let his eyes slip shut was most definitely driving him crazy. And defenitly made him recall what was and what wasn't _there_-

(what would never be there again-)

-and that, that almost made him want to dismiss sleeping at _all_ - also, covering the mark on his wrist so that he wouldn't have to look at it-

(too much of him hiding behind memories like the feel of cold metal clicking to its place around Light's wrist and the sound of the chain's soft clinking)

-not now, not ever. Just like he once swore he wouldn't.

"Are you satisfied, Light?" growled a voice from somewhere above him; maybe the teen was dreaming and maybe he wasn't. "Did he get the punishment he deserved? The painful death fitted for him?"

Light laughed bitterly through the tears he hadn't even noticed was slipping down his cheeks.

"I'm satisfied, Ryuk. Now, there's nothing that can prevent me from becoming the God I truly am."

And the Shinigami pretended not to see when the auburn-haired youth turned to the side, fingers blindly reaching for something solid that just wasn't there anymore, and _cried._

&**&**&

_Definition of __lose__; fail to win._

It was a quiet and peaceful death. A death Light couldn't exactly say that he expected.

Somewhere in the back of his mind, he recalled the menacing eyes of Ryuk and his thick lips as they had cracked into a crooked smile-

("_**I **__will be the one who kills you with the Death Note_-")

-and the thought was oddly frightful. But he _understood _now.

Still, feeling drained and unable to move, Light found it hard to fight back against the tremors quaking through his lithe body and he simply adapted the tactic of laying back against the cold staircase, world spinning at an alarming rate as he trained his gaze on the crumbled roof of the warehouse.

It certainly wasn't the way he had imagined it; I mean, every tale has an end and all, but-

("_When you die, just know that you can't go to neither Heaven or Hell."_)

-but, it just wasn't a fitting conclusion for the God looking through his eyes.

So this was the curtain fall, huh. So this was _death. _Did L also have the time to ponder over his life in those short 40 seconds he was left with? Did he stare into Light's own gaze as he was gathered by the brunet's hands and managed to confirm his suspicions, or did he perhaps think back at his childhood, life passing by rapidly.

_It's only ironic that the last thing on my mind is him, _Light thought bitterly, and even found himself laughing hoarsely. The sound scratched its way up his dry throat, only increasing the pain.

And then, illuminated by the light oozing through the fracture in the wall, Light saw him in all of his glory. Still possessing that awful posture of his, still tucking his gaunt fingers into his jeans pockets, still letting his unruly hair point at all kinds of directions, _still watching Light with those ever-dreary eyes._

So Light slowly let his eyelids fall shut, not able to prevent himself from slipping away from reality any longer as one last, powerful clutch at his chest finally made his heart stop beating alltogether.

And even now, even now he could still hear that voice, too close for comfort, whispering gingerly in his ear, over and over and **over** again-

"You lose, Light-kun."

_You lose._

And there were no more (thoughts, feelings, _anything_) words as death claimied Kira once and for all.

weeo weeo. i really need to stop changing the storyline of the anime/manga. and i also need to stop jumping from scene to scene just because i can't come up with any more to write in one specific scene. you know, i just noticed that this has no graphic shonen-ai & yaoi. only hints of it. that's a first for me, i think. so how'd you like it? :) i must admit that this pairing has caught my interest, so more stories are to be expected!


End file.
